Autism, Dissociative Identity Disorder, and Shutdown

Predators, Isolation, Lack of Support and Safety

I am having so much difficulty being consistent creating posts. A combination of Autistic Burnout, falling into a deep ocean of trauma flashbacks, traumatized child alters drowning in fear, and secondary harm that includes a swath of “Christians” to family to medical and mental health psychopaths that left me with no resources, safety or support systems is like walking across a deep icy lake beginning to thaw. I never know when the next break occurs, and falling into the abyss is always frightening. I slip into dissociation or freeze state, finding it increasingly difficult to snap out for even a few minutes.

I navigate (poorly) alone, completely isolated from the world increasingly since 2018, and completely detached since September of 2022 when my car stopped running. I trust no one.

The irony was my entire world, friends, career, education, bible study, church was wrapped around Evangelicals for twenty years. This includes mental health “professionals.” They burned my world to the ground while enabling and defending domestic violence by my “Christian” husband. I asked them to stop my abusive, alcoholic, husband screaming at me and help me be safe. They ripped my life to shreds leaving me with neither. They left evidence of their abuse, neglect, and enabling.

Their response was exploitation, ridicule, gossip, and tore me to apart to my very core once they knew of significant abuse and torture in my childhood. They deflected their dark souls and despicable behavior back to me, none of them owning up to their black hearts.

Some progress was made with DID. My system is apparently set up as a cube with layers deep of additional alters hidden below surface alters. The healer, who ended up betraying me, was able to retrieve some unlock codes and undo intricate bombs Tinkerbell (she is holding lock codes. We learned a couple of them), Sleeping Beauty (military programming/Delta waves), and Alice (remove color so my system only sees in black and white and falls down a hole of no return suicide programming) to get into places that are too much for the unexperienced. Black Magician knows the system better than any trauma therapist and how to fix it. He got greedy and selfish. Too bad, while he already has a lucrative hustle, this could have put him on the map.

Not official integration, but three unlikely alters are sharing mind space and are no longer antagonistic to one another. There is a section with heavy military programming that is complicated to access due to intensive programming. It appears I was groomed to carry data, files, confidential documents within my DID System. I will die not knowing who I really am let alone the psychopaths who adopted me at birth.

A couple of years ago a trauma therapist was trying to help me with military programming. She had to remove me from the highest level trauma level group she ran for fear my programming would lock with others trying to heal. She promised if I could get to her, she would help me for free until healed, but I could not get there. I came close, but not close enough. I hate America’s medical/mental health psychopathic predators.

The level of spiritual warfare attacks that keep coming from connections I once knew keep collapsing and dissociation is heavy. Stability is difficult without safety. It feels so hopeless how destroyed I am and there are no quick fixes or healing. I deserved help when I was married, but Karl Ulrich and his gang of frauds made sure that help I desperately tried to acquire never came. Linda Pietrzak Ross who I thought was my friend, ended up being in Karl’s best asset of covert narcissist army of soul murders hiding in Christian churches and ministry prEying upon women and children. They stripped me of safety, financially, physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.

I have gone through significant crashes since October of 2024. There are moments or even days that are good and then another crash, and my brain and body shut down again. It is terrible to be alone.

As I was about to shut down for the night, a video on Autistic Regression came up from Orion Kelly on memory loss, brain maladaptation, and symptoms of CPTSD. At the 15:38 mark, Orion talks about social isolation, lack of support and safety, that exacerbates autistic burnout, regression, and cause shutdown.

“If we have to have Christianity, I want them to be like Jen Hamilton.” The Christian church is in the business of beating up the most vulnerable while preaching Jesus, salvation, and God’s love. Christians, therapists, and family mocked me for poor coping skills in response to abuse. They did not stop the abuse, just condemned me for not wanting to be abused and having the audacity to ask them to help me stop the screaming.

“When I was in college there were days and even weeks when I could not get myself to leave my apartment or do anything. At the time, I had no idea what I was experiencing. I remember feeling intense embarrassment and shame about it. Since discovering I am autistic, I now know exactly what it was. It was autistic burnout tied to our specific brain wiring and experiences. Here is what I now understand about autistic burnout. It happened as a result of three things.

1. Chronic Life Stress

2. Mismatch of expectations and abilities

3. Lack of adequate supports

It is considered burnout when it lasts three months or more and it looks like exhaustion, loss of function, and reduced tolerance to stimulus. It is becoming mentally and emotionally paralyzed.” Nicole Filippone, Autistic Advocate & Author

I mistyped blamed men should be blamed me.